Comedic Charmers Pillows

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

You're the olive in my martini

"Hey, just wanted to say bye again, guys, I'm off to join the circus."

'May I have the key to your heart?'

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

Furniture from hell.

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

'Have you put her on the strict diet I prescribed?'

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

Women rush to man with 'I heart emotions' t-shirt.

"The beginning of another urban legend."

"My mating dances were unsuccessful, so I tried reciting poetry: didn't work either..."

"Warm and rich, fresh and bright, with depth and intensity. Not the wine, you."

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

Up please...

"Look! Stem cells and Lipitor from Uncle Henri in Quebec."

'Sure, bring her on. I've always wanted to work on one of these babies.'

"Travel the dark corridor over shoe mountain. Avoid the couch ogre lest he steal your soul. The third door is the bathroom you seek."

'I said commit to me.'