Comedic Charm Pillows

'Have you put her on the strict diet I prescribed?'

"My mating dances were unsuccessful, so I tried reciting poetry: didn't work either..."

Get crazy once in a while

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

Girl Band, "I wish you'd tell your mum we don't need her in the group!"

'Well if I'm so 'bloody useless' perhaps you'd better read the map!'

Diving Cat.

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Double Saxophone

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

Jack in the Box

I'm getting old, I spotted a couple of brown hairs among the punk.

'Well, given that you have three broken ribs, laughing is bound to be painful...'

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Nice this kite sailboat. But how do you actually land it?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'I know you felt great after ten laps around the track, Mr. Fandella, but remember you were driving.'

"Al, are you certain that this guy has the authority to marry us?"

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

He's working his way up to lions!

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

"I said I wanted to see you in skimpy clothes..."

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."