Comedic Cardholder Gifts

"Will you accept my master's card?"

Surf Casting

Diving Cat.

Santa called but you were out!

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

'Gents toilet? Ah, got me there...'

'Look at that! Our first big snowfall, Timmy!'

"They weren't doing a two for one on moisturisers, low fat yogurt or muesli then!!"

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

He Did It!

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

Man sees sign on betting shop door listing odds on when the proprietor will come back from lunch.

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

Private View.

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

Man fights with his shadow.

'It's been so long since he's been on dry land.'

Belated $3 birthday cards. 'Darn. All I've got is two bucks.' Bob was always a day late and a dollar short.

Why Men Get Angry and Why Women Get Angry

Shooting in Ireland

"JUST SIGN THE CARD!!"

'Mum! There's something in the paddling pool.'

Darth Vader advertises nasal strips.

Authentic signed Holy Grail

"You bring the tequila, and I'll bring the Lyme."

"What's the name of the drug I've been taking to improve my memory?"

Golf Ball in Nest.

Shape Up in the New Year. It's ironic, I let my gym membership lapse because I needed to tighten my belt.

Donald Trump Christmas card

'Dear, if the GPS can't find your nutritional yeast flakes, how can I?'

"Well, you'll just have to put your foot down and tell him he's not a lap dog!"

Man catching shark with his foot