Comedic Angelic Tales Gifts

'Uh-oh, here comes my wife. Just act natural.'

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

Halo Frisbee.

'I didn't expect to have remote controls here.'

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"You think it's tough down there?"

"I know, boy—I miss the smoked salmon at Zabar's, too."

Damn defibrillators.

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

"God may have forgiven you, but Hoskins, Danner & Smythe, LLC, have not."

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

"But you're paper trained and we don't have any newspapers or newspaper people."

Furniture from hell.

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

"The last thing I remember is hearing the doctor say oops!"

'Well, I don't know how to break the bad news to you, Mr. Jenson, but ...'

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

"The beginning of another urban legend."

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"I can't. You told him he could date after you came here."

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

Smashed harp...

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."