Comedic Tales Gifts

"We need to watch where we stick our nose don't we."

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

The Harold Pinter theatre...

'Please hold your applause until I've read all ten.'

'Got something! That baby's at least ten pounds. Can't wait to see it surface.'

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

Furniture from hell.

'When we get back this trip is going to need some embroidering.'

"Well, if you haven't seen him, do you know a good recipe for puff pastry?"

'Some people never learn, do they? The guy I saved today I've saved twice already!'

'One thing you can say about Joe, he knows when to stop!'

'I need the loan because I fell asleep on my psychiatrists couch.'

'I'll tell you what mister - I'll lose ten pounds and stop nagging, the same day you act your age, cleanup after yourself, cook your own food and get a brain in that fat head.'

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

"I should have realised she'd poisoned my dinner. It tasted much nicer than usual."

"The beginning of another urban legend."

I feel so blindsided. Laurel has a talking pet gerbil named Herbert. So? She wants to create a little family - the two of us, Herbert and Mortkey. On day, we're just two young lovers dating. The next: Boom! I'm cleaning Herbert's litter box.

'I went window shopping today. I came home with four double glazed units!'

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

"Look! Stem cells and Lipitor from Uncle Henri in Quebec."

'Say, are you the elusive walleye from Big Bear lake?'

"Travel the dark corridor over shoe mountain. Avoid the couch ogre lest he steal your soul. The third door is the bathroom you seek."

'I said commit to me.'

'...then this gorgeous blonde fell into my arms, she's just fallen off the roof.'

"Boy! That Harvey will do ANYTHING to be the center of attention, won't he?"

'Sure, bring her on. I've always wanted to work on one of these babies.'

"I could've sworn we only brought two fruit-flies!"

'Honey, I need some money for a facial: I need to look my best with all these photo safaris around...'