Comedians At Heart Pillows

London: 13,657,940 Inches.

'My people have 253 words for snow, but only three for sub-prime mortgage.'

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"Yeah, apparently my parents didn't strive hard enough for those upper canopy leaves."

"I'm looking for Baldomero Bermudez...he was in a car accident."

"If you won't put out the rubbish tonight, I'll report it as a hate crime against women."

"You're looking good today. Is that a new dress? By the way, I'm sure this is a mistake...maybe you can raise it to..."

"I hope they're not fake commandments!"

'Hey-ho. Hair today and gone tomorrow!'

Guru's Universal Answer

'I have a better idea. Let's go to my place.'

Ostrich.

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

Satire hurts

Sixth Sense Morgue: (Icy Dead People).

"Gold prices fell. I guess we're not worth that much today."

Occu-Pie Mars

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'