Comedians Pillows

"It's good....but I know these people...they're gonna want specifics!"

Hospital cleaner unplugs life support machine for her vacuum cleaner.

They all laughed when he gave up a promising career in accounting to do stand-up. Well, no one's laughing now.'

Unable to afford repairs the Department of Transportation simply relabeled poorly maintained roads as Historic Routes.

Research indicates seven deadly sins are treatable with drugs,

"Oh, so this is what a Bible looks like."

"Thomas! Did Judas put you up to that?"

"He's a chess champion. . . but he has a checkered past."

Hygiene

Police arresting woman. Man slumped lifeless in background - 'But he was snoring officer!'

'And only one previous owner.'

"I invented clean underwear - in case he gets into an accident."

An Inconcievable, Inexcusable, Incomprehensible Truth.

"I need names and credit card receipts for everyone who bought Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul."

"Judy's off today children, but once again we've got the lovely Caron Keating to stand in for her"

'Mr. Whipple, what other qualifications do you have - apart from your quite excellent Donald Duck impression?'

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

Seagull humour.

'It's about the 'air conditioning - Two weeks I've 'ad the car and I've still got split ends!'

"We think we've found the murder weapon Sir"

Back-Stage Shaving

The Sumo Wrestler's greatest challenge.

'HM...MM...When I said 'Fire in My Belly', maybe I meant to say, 'Chronic Heartburn!'

'Further proof that Italian politics is a joke.'

"Know what I miss? Just sitting around with my old friends, and barking."

Russian Scapegoat

"Running Bare has forgotten his pants again."

"I don't even know when late night begins anymore."

"I've got alopecia. What can you give me to keep my hair in...?"

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

A likely story - lost his waterskis in a poker game !

Open air toilets.

Elvis Trump

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

Man on desert island under expired parking meter, meter maid in boat approaches.