Comedians And Comedy Pillows

Football Delivery

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Occu-Pie Mars

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"How can you be out of wings?"

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

They hated me.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

'That's our mission statement.'