Comedians At Heart Prints

London: 13,657,940 Inches.

'My people have 253 words for snow, but only three for sub-prime mortgage.'

'I couldn't run away with you. I feel I would be depriving a village of its idiot!'

"Is it too late to call in sick?"

"Yeah, apparently my parents didn't strive hard enough for those upper canopy leaves."

"I'm looking for Baldomero Bermudez...he was in a car accident."

"Shirley, will you marry me?"

"If you won't put out the rubbish tonight, I'll report it as a hate crime against women."

"You're looking good today. Is that a new dress? By the way, I'm sure this is a mistake...maybe you can raise it to..."

"I hope they're not fake commandments!"

'Hey-ho. Hair today and gone tomorrow!'

Guru's Universal Answer

'I have a better idea. Let's go to my place.'

The trick is to catch them before their runner's high wears off, dude.

How James and John became known as "Sons of Thunder".

Ostrich.

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

Satire hurts

Sixth Sense Morgue: (Icy Dead People).

"Gold prices fell. I guess we're not worth that much today."

For heaven's sake, Alayna, in my day, we kept our sticks neatly trimmed.

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

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