Comedians In The Family Pillows

'You know what they say. . . 'If your dog is fat - you aren't getting enough exercise.''

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Growth Charts

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Okay, you can keep 'em, but if they grow any bigger, they'll have to sleep in the kitchen."

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."