Comedians In The Family Pillows

'You know what they say. . . 'If your dog is fat - you aren't getting enough exercise.''

Occu-Pie Mars

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Growth Charts

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'