Comedian Of Workplace Woes Gifts

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

Boss's Desk Says No!

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"Read our contracts, Ms Donahue. It says 'No Sexual Harassment on the workfloor!'"

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'What's wrong now?'

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'So what do you think of my report, sir?'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

In and Out Tray

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

National Boss Monument.

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."