Comedian In The Pews Gifts

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

St. Elmo's fired.

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Nun Binning the Devil

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

How's my Sermon . . .

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"Please rise."

"I have sent you all an e-mail of today's text if you wish to follow along."

"It's the new church organ."

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

Church sign.

Inside church reactions to the Pope's resignation...

'The Book of Revelation is full of spoilers.'

"Now remember, after this anointing you need to return every 3 months or 3000 miles."

Priest reads sign above fire extinguisher that says: 'In case of quenchable fire, break glass'.

A Pastoral Rebuke.

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."

"Because he didn't even change your name. That's how I know he was talking about you."