Comedian In The Pews Gifts

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

St. Elmo's fired.

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

Nun Binning the Devil

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

How's my Sermon . . .

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

'Now, where was I when the lectern collapsed?'

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"I want you to leave here today with a message of joy!..."

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

"Please rise."

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

Church sign.

"God willing, you'll get the lear jet, Reverend!"

Inside church reactions to the Pope's resignation...

"I have sent you all an e-mail of today's text if you wish to follow along."

"It's the new church organ."

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

'The Book of Revelation is full of spoilers.'

"Now remember, after this anointing you need to return every 3 months or 3000 miles."

Priest reads sign above fire extinguisher that says: 'In case of quenchable fire, break glass'.

A Pastoral Rebuke.

"Animal sacrifice isn't necessary, son. Just shake out a few dimes."