College-prep Parent Gifts

'Dad, who was Plato? . . . You don't want me to go to college do you?'

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

'Oh, yeah? Well, my kid has accrued more college loan debt than your kid!'

'He's trying to put three kids through college.'

"I suppose it's 'Empty Nest Syndrome', doctor. . . ever since Amber left for college I've felt so empty!"

'They're 'individual' cheese slices, Herb, We knew one day they would go out on their own,'

Contest to enter the University

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

Gretchen encounters the mother of all SAT questions.

'It wasn't my fault. They asked me about things that happened before I was born.'

With their only child off to college, the Gilmonts each suffered empty-nest syndrome in their own way.

"I've spent more sending my son on college campus tours than I did getting my degree."

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

"Higher learning gets higher each year."

"Oh George. My heart."

I'm forgetting which college is which. Their brochures are all alike. University of. It's always fall or spring. Apply! There's always a multi-cultural group of kids hanging out. There's always a girl in goggles working in a science lab with an ethnic-looking prof. It's reassuring. They all celebrate their diversity in the exact same way! And charge the exact same for it!

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'I started a whole new business, Mom! Kids are paying me to complete their college applications.'

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

Touring campuses with Twig was fun. Now I don't want to go back to work! Quit! I'm earning your tuition money, Teddy. Wait. You went to college to get a good job so

"Our son is off at college, so as a reminder of him, I keep a dirty sock-scented candle burning in his room."

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

We know being raised by wolves isn't ideal, but think of the amazing essay you'll have on your college application!

Blew off my S.A.T. prep class.