College Prep Gifts

Your granddaughter is studying for SATs. Oh really? Ahem! What did you get on your practice tests? Drool.

What issue do we want to tackle this year? There are so many options. Oil spill. Natural gas fracking. Clean coal. Eco-club. Those are kind of global. How could we tell if our work made a difference? It's obvious. If we list it on our college applications and then get accepted.

The seniors are crazed about college. Admissions. I plan to be totally chill. 1000 colleges. You're not worried about the pre-SATs this Saturday? Of course not. West Fester High. I forgot all about them!!!

"Gracie, you do not need a cell phone. Little girls like you don't get important phone calls."

New for parents with college-bound kids: SAT sample-test toilet paper.

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

Continuing education.

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'I started out as a teacher's pet, and then it kind of snowballed.'

"One year closer to college!"

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

'I really crammed last night.'

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"Someday, Sweetheart, you’ll look back on this day and think to yourself, ‘Covid ruined my college experience.’"

"At these tuition prices an acceptance letter is pretty much a denial."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'Of course, I'm argumentative.. I'm PRE-LAW, for goodness sake!'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

Trust

Overloaded with extracurricular activities, Griffin's body began to grow an extra brain to cope with it all.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'You have failed on all counts...'

'It's my application to Harvard...'

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

"My papie says I'm going to be the first in my family to go to college!"

'I've decided to put off college, and hitchhike around the cat.'