College Commentator Gifts

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

'In my day we were just morally bankrupt.'

The cost of education

"The only reason I consider today's universities 'higher education' is the legalization of marijuana."

'Hmph. College kids.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'I'm going to have to give up drinking and drugs when I leave uni - to pay off my bank loan.'

Occupant.

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

Scenes we'd most like to see...

"If what you don't know can't hurt you, I'm safe from math, English, history, and science."

"Under our new definition of 'what is a sale?', he hasn't made any this year."

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

Room-mate Homicides Waiting to Happen. . .

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"First period music always leaves me with a tune stuck in my head for the rest of the day."

'Illegal immigrants, if you ask me.'

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"Your order is confirmed and your credit card has been charged. You have purchased one small liberal-arts college in New England. Thank you for your order."

Man sees college fraternity houses 'Kappa Phi', 'Aeta Epsalon' and then 'Beta Carotene', says, 'They major in nutrition.'

'They're not the exam results, headmaster. They're the truancy figures.'

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your son just isn't very smart."

"There was a time when only the rich went to university... now even they can't afford it."

'Nobody likes a bartender who went to college.'

'I recommend you major in something other than meat.'

'No Billy! I am not ready to see you yet!'

Campus police are dorm troopers.

"Here's my final exam. My lawyer said I didn't have to answer any of these questions."

"I am dyslexic, parked in a faculty space and wore my roommate's t-shirt."

'I know were migratory birds, but do we really have to do this every spring and fall?'

"I miss my mom's home-cooked methamphetamine."