Campus Commentator Gifts

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'We demand fake history.'

'It's basically the young conservatives.'

"There was a time when only the rich went to university... now even they can't afford it."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Don't you hate...

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

Scenes we'd most like to see...

College of Liberal (not in the political snese) arts.

Pundits

"Mom, Dad, college changed me."

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

Popular college book: How to say 'Send money' in 101 languages.

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

'So, in college what did you major in' - 'Business poetry.'

That's Roderick Sloan, the Alvin Meriwether professor of business administration, and with him is Alvin Meriwether, the Roderick Sloan professor of economics.

Uni. Snowflake Library

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

'Nots so hot on my SATS, but I aced my STDS.'

Undergraduate and don

"Don’t you just love professor Dahl’s lectures on Tibetan rawhide?"

"I have to read this disclaimer: Any opinions expressed in this course belong to the professor and do not necessarily mean the university is left-wing."

'This is Dr Grumbacher, Professor Emeritus of Comparative Philology. Perhaps he could tell you the difference between an adverb and an adjective.'

"Should I refer to it as 'Common Core'?"

"I guess we love Uni because we get to narrow our minds with like-minded people."

We have too many students! I know. Send them home!

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."