School Admissions Commentator Gifts

'This is Mr Henshaw, who's in charge of our admissions system.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'It's my application to Harvard...'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Scenes we'd most like to see...

You got into the college of my choice, and I got into the college of your choice. Now if we could just work something out...

"If what you don't know can't hurt you, I'm safe from math, English, history, and science."

"First period music always leaves me with a tune stuck in my head for the rest of the day."

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

Boho Bribes

'My kid is going to Harvard, and Jim's son to Stanford- which college accepted yoyr kid, Fred? ( pix of clown on desk)

'Today I have dumbed-down philosophy, followed by dumbed-down chemistry and dumbed-down English lit.'

"Your order is confirmed and your credit card has been charged. You have purchased one small liberal-arts college in New England. Thank you for your order."

'They're not the exam results, headmaster. They're the truancy figures.'

'They're praying the school doesn't find out that they've been pretending to be religious.'

'Her special Talent is sulking.'

'No Billy! I am not ready to see you yet!'

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your son just isn't very smart."

"It's all set. We both have enough credits to go to college."

"I'm sorry, but Woolfsey Academy expects a basic level of preparation from its candidates. Mistaking vermilion for scarlet? I don't think so.".

"Sometimes I wish I went to a magnet school."

Violence in schools has increased

The cost of education

"There was a time when only the rich went to university... now even they can't afford it."

"I miss my mom's home-cooked methamphetamine."

'Here's my report Dad. I got an A, an S, a B and an O.'

'The principal says her door is always open, until it slams shut when you're in there!'

"We help the student qualify for one of the major tutoring centers."

'Yes, dad, I mis-spoke my math grade, covered-up my reprimand from the dean, and cheated on an English quiz, but I'm getting an A in political science.'

'Three C's and a D, hashtag, grounded.'

"She's so smart...on the highway of life, she's in the E-Z Pass lane."