Cognitive Skeptic Gifts

"They're infantilizing us!"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"If there were really a God, trees would come with outlets and wifi hubs."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

'If I'd known these programs were going to be so fake - I'd be psychic!'

Alternative Medicine

"God works in mysterious ways."

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"Sure, it's Good News, but is it fake news?"

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'I hope there's something better on the 'other side'!..'

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"Anyway, it turned out that god was a ruddy algorithm after all!"

"Oh, I know He works in mysterious ways, but if I worked that mysteriously I'd get fired."

"I totally meant to do that."

'It may look that way... But actually, I'm an atheist