Coffee Shop Storyteller Gifts

"I'm writing my eighth memoir."

"You don't whisper anymore."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

'You've had enough!'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

How About Serving Us For a Change

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

'I've never eaten here. I come for the broadband.'

Continental Drift.

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

'Looks like another typical caffeine overdose.'

...Five ways for the cities-towns to raise money...

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

"I can see the green shoots of recovery. The fag butts are getting longer."

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'The doctor says I gotta cut back on caffeine. I'd better skip the bottomless cup of coffee today, Phyllis.'

"Well, team....time to trade our 'You Got This!' coffee mugs to the 'Mistakes Were Made' mugs."

'What a twist of fate!'

"Oh, great. ... My Aunt Donna is now on Facebook!"

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

Rick decides to save his real lyrics for when someone is actually listening.

"I've stopped looking for work, which, I believe, helps the economic numbers."

'What are you staring at? You have free wi fi here, don't you?'

To make your computer faster, please pour two cups of Espresso into your CD drive.

Rudy, how come you're not wearing the new uniform? You were serious? You seriously want me to dress like a robot? Of course I do, minion. My nightly perusal of customers' web searches indicates most of them are feeling a bit antisocial lately. They'd probably buy more coffee from a robot than a human. Oh wait ... new web searches coming in. I'm going to need you to dress like a sexy robot. Very bad man.

"They want to turn the clocks back?"