Coffee Detective Gifts

"Decaf. They can't be far away."

"My favorite way to start the day...coffee, danish, and a data dump."

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

Missing Easter Egg

"Oh, there will be an investigation!"

"Time! Ladies and gentlemen please, for yet another probe into the brewing industry"

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

'I'm writing my dissertation on Latte Sizes.'

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

"I'm glad you boys let me come along with you...it's nice to see how you kids live life! I mean, with youth on your side, I'm sure you live every moment to the fullest!"

Billy strip: bed pan.

"This banana I bought yesterday, when I peeled it it was empty!"

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

'Keep an eye out for the cookie police.'

"...but you uncovered this cafe's secret conspiracy to addict us to over-caffeinated drinks."

"From the gentleman at the end of the bar."

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

"I'm telling you. . . something's not right with this coffee."

'It's worth a try. I heard dad say there are thousands of cookies in this computer!'

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

'I wonder if anyone will miss me after I'm gone?' 'Would you like to pay your bar tab now?'

"Its DNA is consistent with meat loaf."

'It's nothing serious. Just a little powdered sugar.'

'Ol' Zeke across the mountain's been stealing all my business with his new low-carb moonshine!'

'Most people are worried about this - According to a Gallup pole.'

'As a matter of fact, these apples are really transgenic onions.'

"I've taken you off fats, cholesterol, alcohol, sugar, meat and grain. I'm afraid there's nothing left to put you on."

"Where's the nutrition label?!"

'With all the fooling around with genes that's going on, it really is mystery meat.'