Coffee Chat Raconteur Gifts

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

'I'm looking for people who find me intimidating.'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'I've given up on looking for the bluebird of happiness. . . I'd settle for the chicken of contentment!'

Teachers Lounge. That's funny -- I was sure the "No Child Left Behind" act would cover field trips.

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"If he were just 8 inches taller, 20 years younger,10 times more mature and a million dollars richer, he'd be perfect."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

Voting on their Seats

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

'Yes, it was love at first sight. Who would've thought that five years on, I'd be sick of the sight of him?!'

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

'Well there hasn't been a ring yet! But he did say that we were going to look at bridle wear - so, I know what that means. . . he loves me, Joanne.'

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'