Coffee Alternative Humorist Gifts

"I don't need coffee. I wake up and smell the animals."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Football Chameleon

Emergency Hipster Beard

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

'You've had enough!'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

Gangsta wrap.

Hipster Police Department

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

'I want a big breakfast.. there are a lot of contended female cats in the neighborhood this morning.'

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

Murphy bed...Murphy.

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Stocks rose on news engineers are close to developing a car that runs on lattes!'

'This decaf's lousy.'

'Looks like another typical caffeine overdose.'

"Well, team....time to trade our 'You Got This!' coffee mugs to the 'Mistakes Were Made' mugs."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"I like to keep my option open."

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"Our breakfast burrito is just like our lunch burrito, except it contains 876 mgs of caffeine."

New Belief Systems

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"Whoa! Just decaf today. I only had 15 hours of sleep yesterday."