Coffee Alternative Humorist Gifts

"I don't need coffee. I wake up and smell the animals."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

Football Chameleon

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

Emergency Hipster Beard

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'You've had enough!'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

Gangsta wrap.

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

'I want a big breakfast.. there are a lot of contended female cats in the neighborhood this morning.'

Hipster Police Department

"Give me something that shows I'm hip AND fiscally responsible."

"You know what they say: if you're tired of London, you're tired of organic soy latte and pop-up vegan yoga festivals..."

Murphy bed...Murphy.

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

'Stocks rose on news engineers are close to developing a car that runs on lattes!'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'This decaf's lousy.'

'Looks like another typical caffeine overdose.'

New Belief Systems

"Well, team....time to trade our 'You Got This!' coffee mugs to the 'Mistakes Were Made' mugs."

"Sorry, but it's store policy to remove man buns by any means necessary."

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

"A spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of hipsterism."

"I like to keep my option open."

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

'Sorry, Bob, but I'm having trouble taking our relationship seriously.'

"Our breakfast burrito is just like our lunch burrito, except it contains 876 mgs of caffeine."