Clubhouse Captain Gifts

'Call for you on the cream corn line.'

A paperwork machine spews endless paperwork

Frontispiece to the first volume of 'Master Humphrey's Clock'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

Trilby - 'Bonjour, Suzon!'

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

"So is that a slice of a hook? I never know which is which."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"Let's discuss this feeling that you're always being blamed for bad golf scores!"

"Monica, please sent my ball back in."

'Better get back to business and take your mind off golf for a change.'

"He couldn't sink that last putt, so now he's trying to drown it."

'I'd like to keep it a boys only club too, but this is HER tree house!'

'How many shots did you have at the 19th hole?'

I never realized what a bad golfer I was until somebody else kept score. Club House.

"There's only two things that really fascinate men. One is fire and the other one isn't."

"I'll be glad to see the back of winter - I'm sick of having to wear so much on a night out."

'Now remember, the password is 'Woof!''

Human Resources

19th Hole.

"They went together, doctor!"

Men talking in a club house

Dragon and no smoking sign.

'I drink so much alcohol I'm afraid to smoke!'

'That's why we're vice-presidents, and he's president.'

"I became a caddy to have access to doctors.."

"Hey, Golfers! When approaching the tee, always remember to keep that sponsorship logo facing the camera. . ."

Will Sir be going on to his usual club ?

Avram Grant

"How many shots did you have at the 19th hole?"

"Helpful, him? He'd mow the carpet and vac the lawn!"

'I work in a strip club for £20 a week. It's not much but it's all I can afford to pay them!'

Well, we do offer lap dances, but our dancers tend to curl up and fall asleep right away.

'I'm not asking you for a rough estimate. I want an exact number.'