Club-wielding Humorist Gifts

'I learned a new word today!'

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"Would you like to try them out?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Do kids eat free?"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. VIII

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

American Express Credit Card

"No, I'm a transplant."

'Whoa Hold up, You need to get you hand stamped,'

Amy Schumer

Transylvania Lecture Hall. Tonight Count Dracula will speak about lessons he learned looking back over a long life. I thought vampires didn't reflect.

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'