Club Owner Humorist Gifts

Footballers - Ken Bates

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"What other tricks does he need?"

Trilby - 'Bonjour, Suzon!'

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

Death Beggar

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"Looks like there was a mix-up. Apparently the tank we ordered went to Vinny's Joke Shop in Hoboken, New Jersey."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"Telephone call for you, it's the Bank Manager."

'For the last time, how Club Tropicana makes a profit if the drinks are free isn't your problem.'

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"Let's discuss this feeling that you're always being blamed for bad golf scores!"

"When I was seventeen..."

History's First Prop Gag

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'I see you've dressed to go clubbing.'

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

'I'm having what he's having.'

Lawyer-poet-in-residence

The Barbarian At the Villiage Gate