Club Owner Humorist Gifts

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"What other tricks does he need?"

Trilby - 'Bonjour, Suzon!'

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

Death Beggar

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"Looks like there was a mix-up. Apparently the tank we ordered went to Vinny's Joke Shop in Hoboken, New Jersey."

'For the last time, how Club Tropicana makes a profit if the drinks are free isn't your problem.'

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

"Let's discuss this feeling that you're always being blamed for bad golf scores!"

"When I was seventeen..."

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

"No thanks, just the peanuts."

'I see you've dressed to go clubbing.'

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

Lawyer-poet-in-residence

'I'm having what he's having.'

Why don't we wait until we know each other better before I tell you how I got the name 'Humpty'.

'Two pints of blonde please.'

"As this is our first date, perhaps I should tell you that I participate in several frequent liar programmes."