Club-wielding Humorist Pillows

'I learned a new word today!'

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. VIII

"Do kids eat free?"

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

"Would you like to try them out?"

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

'Listen up, you ghoul fools, at midnight the mummy takes off the wrappings! Heh heh - just kidding folks, but seriously...'

Out of Context Nite with Jeremy Clarkson.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

American Express Credit Card

"No, I'm a transplant."

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'