Closure Commentator Gifts

Missionary Society: Gone for Good

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

Opportunities in Coronatimes

Trump Administration Raising White Flag in Ukraine

"Nation-building never works."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

Trump Poutine

Laughingstock

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

'What's wrong with those Europeans? We have more murders in this city than England, France Germany and Spain combined.'

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Unemployed recession: the irony is killing me

"I just know he's gonna ask me why I voted for Trump."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

A lock labeled 'freedom' covers a man's mouth.

'I was hounded out of office!', 'That explains the smell.'

"Hey...look...I'm prepared to admit that I might have been wrong, but...I think it's time to draw a line under it... and y'know...move on..."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Actually, yes, honey — I do believe 'Fox News' is an oxymoron."

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

Tearing up the Iran Deal

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"New court filings. Totally clears the President. Thank you." "Actually, sir, it, uh, says you did crime and might go to jail."

"Sir, multiple people were stabbed by a terrorist in..."

"AI chat bot"

'To paraphrase Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is the NSA, FBI, CIA, DEA, IRS, DIA, EPA, FTC, FCC...'

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.