Clinical Research Gifts

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"Our war is against cancer."

A boy is sat at a desk, with five plaques implying different qualifications he has earned from using social media.

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

Virtual Doctor

'How's the gene-splicing going? Cloned any new hepatitis antibodies?'

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

"How long before the clinical trials are over?"

"You only need one prescription. The other 7 are for the side effects."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

'What's holding him up?'

'As everyone knows, scientists are at their peaks early in their careers.'

'And we'll give you all the carcinogens you can eat.'

'I'd like to leave my pacemaker to the medical institute, my artificial lung to the research center, my false teeth to the dental clinic, my dacron arteries...'

'I told you, you were missing a decimal point.'

"You've received a death sentence, Mr. Covid."

"I hate it when the palcebo does better than the drugs we're testing."

"I've sewn on 2 right hands, and have made you ambidextrous!"

Lyme Disease Research Lab

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

'Hey - It says here, we're related!'

"Always with the cancer cures, this one."

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

California fires and Coronavirus

'He's one of those genetically-altered antibodies.'

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"We only test our drugs on plants, so we have to do lots and lots of extrapolating."

Now this is Dr. Brainstorm, he's trying to breed a moth that will eat synthetics.

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

'These are preliminary results, but there seems to be a correlation between global warming and baby boomer women's hot flashes.'

"But you both can't be the 'father' of Ammonium Pentoxide Phosphate."

This is awkward, but I need to ask if you'd like to donate your body to science.

'It's worse than I thought: the frog in your throat has a frog in its throat.'

Clinical Trails. . . Prevention . . . Detection. . . Diagnosis. . . Treatment.

Placebonex: 'Make sure to take it every day, otherwise the effect wears off.'