Clinic Comedy Fan Gifts

'Scalpel, dammit! Scalpel!'

'Well, it's kind of an IV enema!'

"Please have a seat over by the door, sir - We're looking for a volunteer to examine you."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Gross."

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

"There has been a sharp increase in his cantankerousness."

'Luckily, it doesn't look too serious.'

"The medic said he died of an ST-segment-elevated myocardial infarction -- Jack was always a showoff."

Medical Center.

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'The doctor is running a little late this morning; but a couple more laps around the park and he should be back at his desk.'

"There's a shortage of beds, dear."

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

'You've got lot toe!'

'On second thought, you can go home anytime you want, big fella.'

No, you don't need to be "gluten-free." I said "glutton-free"!

"All of my visitors have to wear that get up. Apparently my humour is very infectious."

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

"The good news is that your appendectomy op was a complete success"

Surgery Instruction Book.

"The test results have come back - you ARE a t**t."

"I assure you I do appreciate what you're feeling."

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'I'm going on vacation so here are a few prescriptions for a laxative, decongestant, antacid, analgesic, and antidepressant to tide you over.'

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

"Try and get some rest and in a week or two we'll put your brain back in."

'That's the most unusual rash I've ever seen, Mr Lichtenstein.'

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'