Clinical Comedy Fan Gifts

'He'll need some blood thinner immediately, but go grab me a sandwich first.'

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'A student nurse drew my blood and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"Gross."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'... and we're also having a sale on do-it-yourself emergency surgery kits.'

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

'What do you mean you're the new Paediatric Specialist?'

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

"There has been a sharp increase in his cantankerousness."