Client Relations Officer Gifts

Direct Marketing...

'Our customers don't want mutual funds that are an 'eclectic mix'.'

"I'm afraid I can't do anything meaningful about your complaint, but would you accept dozens of meaningless platitudes about how much we value you as a customer?"

'Our product flooded the market... Before backing up a deluge of consumer complaints!'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"Well, it could be the rising tide of consumer indifference to our company's latest product, or it might be the sink in the men's bathroom acting up again. We're still not sure."

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

"Getting good grades isn't enough, son. You also need to bring in new clients."

"I'm working as fast as I can, Mr. Sims. There are only so many billable hours in a day, you know."

'I don't get it. He's got only one tongue and two ears, but he talks twice as much as he listens.'

What a Guy! The Tops! - "He likes to make his clients feel important."

"Could you spare a few minutes to give some feedback on your death experience?"

'I can't pronounce either his name or the out-sourced country where he works.'

"I've got your letter in front of me now, sir."

"Providing the kind of service the customer is paying for could be a serious hassle."

"I'm considering going client side. That way I can still be an a*****e and actually get away with it."

'We can still rise to the occasion but, in light of bad press, just not in the company-owned plane.'

Credit card campaign ad

"He likes to make clients feel important..."

'He's a major client.'

"How am I supposed to know what I want to complain about before you've even said anything?"

Ban news chair

'Remind clients to come prepared for their initial consultation with documents, names, addresses, checkbook, credit cards, cash.'

'This is my dance celebrating our new customer service guarantee!'

'Gotta go, Leon...our brokrage firm is right in the middle of an aggressive client retention program.'

'You've got to give it to Jim, there's nothing he won't do for his customers.'

'Company policy is to treat all our clients badly.'

Patience Tested While You Wait.

"I want three of you serving customers all day - two if we get busy."

"I can't take the job in customer relations. I hate the customers. How can I possibly deal with their relatives?"

"Any new proposals?"

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"Our email marketing campaign got a response from someone in Nigeria who wants to send us four million dollars. Should we deposit that in the company account, or is it better to use Paypal?"

"He's already a customer. You were hired to bring in new business."