Cleanse Warriors Pillows

"Twice a week I eat nothing but fruit."

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

"Matthew, did we agree to adopt a whale?"

Couples Massage: "Did you remember the body oil?"

"Can I still do my pilates?"

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

The household cavalry

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

Man to other coming out of Alternative Health Club: 'I had total joint replacement - they switched me from hemp to medical marijuana.'

"Cobra pose assisted by chocolate mousse."

'It doesn't look good, sir - the enemy is amassing vacuum cleaners along our southern border.'

'I exercise to stay healthy so I can keep working to pay for health insurance until I drop dead.'

“There once was a woman who lived in a can of prebiotic soda… & only then did she consume enough to reap the health benefits claimed on the label.”

Cow wash: 'You missed a spot.'

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"You have to start exercising. Running your mouth, skipping breakfast, and jumping to conclusions doesn't count."

Final clearance sale.

"We at Megacorp are very supportive of spiritual and artistic therapies which is why we've developed 'megazcylone' to enhance the experience."

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"

Our house is a mess! Life's messy, I need to simplify. You don't have the nerve to do what needs to be done. We left our laundry on the sofa for you, mom! You're so wrong. I can too get rid of my kids. You'll save tons on cleaning supplies alone!

'You should apply for government relief. Your room is a disaster area!'

'Why is it I can see what needs doing around here and you can't? . . . I know what cures that. . . 'Chores-ercise'.'

4 Great Life Hacks for the Holidays!

Human Dust Buster

'Lose those unsightly man boobs - JOIN THE US MARINES!'

"We can only apologise, Mr. Kent. But wouldn't you think that a superhero's uniform would be shrink-proofed?"

"Good news, Mrs. Bryant - I think we got it all."

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

"I put my right foot in, I put my right foot out, I did the hokey pokey and I threw my back out!"

"Sorry, I double-booked. This wouldn't happen if I had a computer - but they insist we do everything by hand."

The Ten Resolutions