Cleanse Warriors Gifts

"Twice a week I eat nothing but fruit."

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

Couples Massage: "Did you remember the body oil?"

"Matthew, did we agree to adopt a whale?"

"Look! A dying brain cell! Maybe we should help!...."

The household cavalry

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

Man to other coming out of Alternative Health Club: 'I had total joint replacement - they switched me from hemp to medical marijuana.'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Cobra pose assisted by chocolate mousse."

“There once was a woman who lived in a can of prebiotic soda… & only then did she consume enough to reap the health benefits claimed on the label.”

'It doesn't look good, sir - the enemy is amassing vacuum cleaners along our southern border.'

'I exercise to stay healthy so I can keep working to pay for health insurance until I drop dead.'

"So if I need to stop smoking and lose weight..what are you going to do about it?"

"You have to start exercising. Running your mouth, skipping breakfast, and jumping to conclusions doesn't count."

"We at Megacorp are very supportive of spiritual and artistic therapies which is why we've developed 'megazcylone' to enhance the experience."

'Why is it I can see what needs doing around here and you can't? . . . I know what cures that. . . 'Chores-ercise'.'

"A good rule of thumb is, if you can't lift it, don't eat it."

'You should apply for government relief. Your room is a disaster area!'

Final clearance sale.

Human Dust Buster

'Lose those unsightly man boobs - JOIN THE US MARINES!'

"I think that form '10,000' steps may have been 9,999 too many!"

"We can only apologise, Mr. Kent. But wouldn't you think that a superhero's uniform would be shrink-proofed?"

4 Great Life Hacks for the Holidays!

"Good news, Mrs. Bryant - I think we got it all."

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

"I put my right foot in, I put my right foot out, I did the hokey pokey and I threw my back out!"

The five stages of laundry 1. Denial I'll do it tomorrow. 2. Anger Why are there no clean clothes!? 3. Bargaining Ok! Who wants to help with the laundry? 4. Depression Can't. Do. It. 5. Acceptance

The Ten Resolutions

"Sorry, I double-booked. This wouldn't happen if I had a computer - but they insist we do everything by hand."