Classic Shows Gifts

'Can't you finally admit that you were wrong? -- Lawrence Welk is NOT just a passing fad!'

Barney Fife

"Happy Birthday!"

Look, the Bionic Woman is back! Wow! That was one long commercial break!

'When I was your age, 'classic episodes' were called repeats.'

'Can you assure my son that you only use vegetarian sausages?'

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Before the Internet

"Do you know any other songs besides the theme to The Andy Griffin Show?"

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

'This is rodeo history! No one's ever stayed on the Dancing Bronco this long!'

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Succession 2

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

Must-See Lockdown TV.

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

"It's your final warning...Quit playing the 'Beverly Hillbillies' theme song"

Franz Kafka does stand-up...

'You see son, it's jobs like these that give us a bad name...'

"As I recall, Leonard, when we first watched 'The Honeymooners' you said that it marked the decline and fall of Western culture."

'This has a great ending...he shoots her.'

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

After traveling across the universe for thousands of years, an episode of "Leave It To Beaver" is received by an inhabitant of a distant galaxy.

'Sir Steve Austin is here to see you.'

"We've just crossed the line between binge viewing and OCD viewing."

"I wish I could give you more on the trade-in, but all that guano really did a number on the paint."

New Course At The New School

"You've searched every streaming site there is and the best you can come up with is Gilligan's Island?"

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'Morcambe and Wise.'

'Forgettable' - The Hit Musical