Classic Comedians Gifts

"I'll be performing the operation, and this is the anesthesiologist."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

Football Delivery

"My great-uncle Lupe owned a barber shop! He made a lot of money!"

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd played catch with me more.'

"No Eric, you're NOT funny haha. . . you're funny peculiar. . !"

Concerto for Two Horns

Laurel and Hardy police protection - "And don't worry about informing on the mob. I've arranged that two of my men give you 24 hour proctection."

Goldilocks and the Three Stooges

'I'm not too happy about this new identity you lot have given me!'

'Is this the remains of last Sunday's beef roast, or something left over from the dawn of creation?'

Music

"The face of the pear-shaped man reminded me of the mashed turnips that Aunt Mildred used to serve alongside the Thanksgiving turkey. As he got out of the strawberry-hued car, his immense fists looked like two slabs of slightly gnawed ham. He waddled over

"OK, high jinks - if I plead guilty to high jinks how much time do I get?"

'Who ordered the caesar salad?'

'La Donna E Mobile.'

Road Safety

'Coffee, doughnuts, cigarettes'

Eskimo, Eskilarry, Eskicurly

'The feedback on the extended opening hours was generally excellent, although some people feel we should provide croissants and coffee in the morning and a little late supper in the evening.'