Churchgoer With Dietary Needs Gifts

First Church of Gluten-Free Communion Wafers.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Church Basement Foodie

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Let us pray...'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"Amen. Please help me up."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Baptism Then and Now

CCTV in church.