Churchgoer With Dietary Needs Pillows

First Church of Gluten-Free Communion Wafers.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Church Basement Foodie

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Let us pray...'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

CCTV in church.

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"I have an app for that."

"Amen. Please help me up."