Churchgoer With Gluten Concerns Pillows

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

Out for lunch... GOD

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"