Churchgoer With Gluten Concerns Pillows

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

Out for lunch... GOD

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

At Michawl Phelps' baptism.