Christmas Comedy Aficionados Gifts

"Technically, I'm a buck...but I identify as a doe."

Piranhaclaus

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

'You know who's been naughty and who's been nice? -- you're not using DNA evidence, are you?'

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

"I don't care who's naughty or nice anymore-I only keep track of who's crossed me."

Hip hop Santa.

"Sharp shooter, huh? Well, I was attacked by an ax murderer!"

"Maybe this year..."

Your dad is a union man, isn't he?

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'Santas Ponzi Scheme'

"Don't you love the smell of burning leather boots this time of year?"

Santa's Second Stringers.

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

'Never mind the price, what the hell is myrhh?'

'...So I figured with all of this free cooling why not install a data center?'

"The Three Wise Men followed a star...wasn't their GPS working?"

Santa incorporates therapy into his repertoire.

"Your behavior was kind of shady so don't be surprised if you only receive clothes for Christmas."

'Dang it, Dasher, I told you to go before we left to North Pole!'

"I'm sorry but I only employ elves..."

"Has your husband been exposed to Christmas at all?"

Christmas Eve and Christmas Adam

About Santa 2017.

Santa emergency stop.

Hand emerges from King Arthur's xmas pudding with a coin.

Men/Women/Santa.

Don't fly and text.

'Why not just serve Thanksgiving dinner in the shoe department next year and be done with it??'

'I think you should know I'm listening to offers from other Santas.'

"Just relax, take a deep breath and tell Mommy and Daddy which plate of brownies you left out."

A trap for Santa

"Oh, yes, I've been good...relatively speaking!"

"No, that's not mine. Do you have one with a big red nose?"