Christian Teachings Gifts

'It threw him off when I turned the other cheek. So then I hit him.'

'Do you have any oranges?'

Old Woman Tells Off Young Boy For Ignoring Religious Teachings And Stealing.

'Drink is your enemy.'

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

Moses separating his Laundry.

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Ghostwriting the Bible

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

God Sneezes Out Creation

'Wow! -- Talk about a paradigm shift!'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

Early Piety

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Let's have some fun... give Eve extra memory.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.