Christian Teachings Pillows

'It threw him off when I turned the other cheek. So then I hit him.'

Old Woman Tells Off Young Boy For Ignoring Religious Teachings And Stealing.

'Drink is your enemy.'

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

Priest's 'To do' list.

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Ghostwriting the Bible

God Sneezes Out Creation

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

'I don't remember predetermining THAT!'

'Wow! -- Talk about a paradigm shift!'

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

Early Piety

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

'Let's have some fun... give Eve extra memory.'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"I see you're back from church. What was cherry-picked for you today?"

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

Dogma

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"