Childbirth Education Gifts

Maternity Ward - Push Hard.

Chapter 10: How to extend your stay and throw your father's paternity leave application into chaos.

"No, Lamaze is not a beginner type of yoga."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Cry babies.

Baby Piano

My First Camera

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"That's not how I sat on you."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"String ... you mean it doesn't have a remote controller to operate it?"

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'Hang on a minute: What does 'IVF' mean?!'

'Well, well, well. It wasn't a 12 lb baby after all. It was a six pound one pumping iron.'

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

Children's artwork exhibition.

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."