Childbirth Chortler Pillows

Maternity Ward Public Opening

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Cry babies.

Baby Piano

My First Camera

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"That's not how I sat on you."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"String ... you mean it doesn't have a remote controller to operate it?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

Children's artwork exhibition.

'Hang on a minute: What does 'IVF' mean?!'

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

'Well, well, well. It wasn't a 12 lb baby after all. It was a six pound one pumping iron.'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'