Childbirth Chortler Pillows

Maternity Ward Public Opening

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Cry babies.

My First Camera

Baby Piano

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"That's not how I sat on you."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"String ... you mean it doesn't have a remote controller to operate it?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'I guess mother and baby are doing fine. She's already sending out selfies.'

'Well, well, well. It wasn't a 12 lb baby after all. It was a six pound one pumping iron.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'Hang on a minute: What does 'IVF' mean?!'

1847 - Bram Stoker, creator of Dracula was born in Dublin.

Children's artwork exhibition.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."