Jury Duty Chortler Pillows

"Your Honor, all this pretrial publicity has made my client look fat."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"#notguilty."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"At least we're consistent ... "

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'We find the defendant guilty. I mean, why else would he go out and hire the best lawyer in town?'

'Is your verdict unanimous?'

'It wasn't easy, but I got you a jury of your peers — six hairdressers, five interior decorators, and a professor of 18th Century poetry.'

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

". . . and that's the story of why you should find this defendant. . . GUILTY!"

'The jury and our computers find the defendant guilty.'

"take your best shot, counselor."

'Yes, I can defend you, but we may have a tough time selecting a jury of your peers.'

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

'The stupidity of the defendant's actions was directly proportional to the number of people watching him.'

"They're eating out of my hand but that doesn't guarantee an acquittal."

'I win some, I lose some. But I always try and send the jury home in a good mood.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, we can parse the nuances of motive forever, but isn't it much more satisfying just to deal with broad stereotypes?"

"Read my lips!"

How's your mood this week, Al? I'm happy as a clam, doctor. Great. Let me ask you something: The last time you saw a clam, how happy did he appear to be?

'Relax, baby, and pay no attention to that old man behind you.'

'Why not put it in position first then fill it with water?'

"Will the witness please refrain from shagging flies."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

Maternity Ward Public Opening

'Let me inform the witness that 'horse-feathers' is not a proper response!'

"Your honor, the jury was unable to reach a verdict because one juror didn't agree. AACK! However, he changed his mind and we now have a unanimous verdict."

You'll have to rewrite this. I can't read your hen scratching!