Jury Duty Chortler Pillows

"Your Honor, all this pretrial publicity has made my client look fat."

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"#notguilty."

"At least we're consistent ... "

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'We find the defendant guilty. I mean, why else would he go out and hire the best lawyer in town?'

'It wasn't easy, but I got you a jury of your peers — six hairdressers, five interior decorators, and a professor of 18th Century poetry.'

'Is your verdict unanimous?'

"Sorry, I can't - I have to be everywhere."

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

Quick Confessional Box - 8 sins or less.

'The jury and our computers find the defendant guilty.'

"take your best shot, counselor."

'Yes, I can defend you, but we may have a tough time selecting a jury of your peers.'

"They're eating out of my hand but that doesn't guarantee an acquittal."

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

'The stupidity of the defendant's actions was directly proportional to the number of people watching him.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, we can parse the nuances of motive forever, but isn't it much more satisfying just to deal with broad stereotypes?"

'I win some, I lose some. But I always try and send the jury home in a good mood.'

'Why not put it in position first then fill it with water?'

'Relax, baby, and pay no attention to that old man behind you.'

"Read my lips!"

"Will the witness please refrain from shagging flies."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

Maternity Ward Public Opening

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don't let my parents think they wasted money sending me to law school!"

'Let me inform the witness that 'horse-feathers' is not a proper response!'

You'll have to rewrite this. I can't read your hen scratching!