Child's School Achievement Gifts

"Hello, dear. Come see what Junior learned in school today."

I should be a writer when I grow up...

"Finally, after years of work, irrefutable proof that I'm a nerd."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

'Mom, Dad! Look what I created in lab today!'

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

"How was work?"

"This is not the first time I have been asked to speak."

"I lettered in spelling."

'I wrote a software program and sold it for two million dollars.'

"I got an 'A' for my anti-gravity science project!"

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

Science Fair Judgements

"He's my school project for science class."

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

Presentation: Any questions?

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

Are your parents here? Spring play! I can't tell.

Annual Mensa Convention: 'Ok, who's the genius who forgot to send out the invitations?'

"My mom's getting me a tutor. That's kind of a personal trainer for the brain."

"Gracie, I'm so proud that you made the academic decathlon team! Here...have some of my special green tea! Ithelps you concentrate and improves your memory!"

"They called me Dumbo. A memoir of redemption."

'Oh, Christ.'

"I see you got an A+++ in science."

"I got the highest grade in the class, except the giraffe."

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

School nativity. Boy says: 'If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this drama ...'

'I'm not experienced, but I have a PhD in Byzantine history.'

"First let me say that your father and I really, really wanted to like your performance."

"That Melinda Alvarez thinks she's so smart! Well, I've been studying, and I'm gonna teach her a lesson on the test we have today!"

'F.G.G. First Grade Graduate.'

'So what is the consulting that you got an 'A' for?'

'Boasting bumper stickers.'

"Benjamin, we've discovered, is quite gifted at third base."

"Is this going to be on the midterm?"