Child Custody Hearing Gifts

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

'In the future, if we're a little late with your allowance, don't just automatically turn it over to a collection agency.'

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

"I haven't been in a playpen yet that could hold me."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

''D' is for 'Despair'; 'E' is for 'Exhaustion'.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Some women to see you, Anne."

Teach Love

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

'Darling, you remember that unbreakable toy we bought him? He's used it to break all the others...'

"I'll go in and look at stuff, but I won't read any signage."

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"I never discuss my clients with their mothers."

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

"Whoa, whoa, big guy with all your ‘meaning of life’ mumbo jumbo—I just want my kid to pick up her room."

Tug of war.

"Okay, these are the documents we need to sue your ex for child support, and if we can convince the court it's not too out off line, to have the words, 'lying, cheating b*****d' tattooed on his forehead."

Guardianship of minors

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'I got custody of the kids.'

"Her lawyers were very good."

'That's far enough for this year.'

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."

'I can't sign that behavior contract unless my attorney reviews it.'

Baby on a potty holding up a No.2 sign.