Child Custody Arrangement Gifts

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

In the Guru District

'William, I've decided to go back to work so I can get a little rest during the day.'

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

Janey then realized that babysitting isn't easy...

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"Adorable. Is yours a rescue too?"

Boy on father's knee

"Tell the truth, Ezra. Does it look like he's being a more effective parent than me?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

Young Godzilla.

"I changed my mind – no more kids."

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"No screen time means more scream time."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"Richard P. Ruggles—a man and his mantelpiece."

'You mean they don't come with an instruction manual?'

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny had raised you better than this.

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

Quality Time

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

"Surely, checking the baby monitor doesn't count toward your screen time."

"Teddy wants a glass of water."

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

'It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub my face in it.'

'You know what's better than bubble wrap?'

'I can't help feeling we've forgotten something.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

Drive-thru Day-care

'But that's the baby you took in.'