Child Custody Arrangement Pillows

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

In the Guru District

'William, I've decided to go back to work so I can get a little rest during the day.'

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

Janey then realized that babysitting isn't easy...

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"Adorable. Is yours a rescue too?"

Boy on father's knee

"Tell the truth, Ezra. Does it look like he's being a more effective parent than me?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

Young Godzilla.

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"No screen time means more scream time."

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

"I changed my mind – no more kids."

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"Richard P. Ruggles—a man and his mantelpiece."

'You mean they don't come with an instruction manual?'

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

Quality Time

"Teddy wants a glass of water."

"Surely, checking the baby monitor doesn't count toward your screen time."

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

'It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub my face in it.'

'I can't help feeling we've forgotten something.'

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

Drive-thru Day-care

'You know what's better than bubble wrap?'

'But that's the baby you took in.'