Shared Custody Pillows

'Kid with suitcase with stickers on it that say 'mums' and 'dads'.

'It's something to wear when you're out with your Dad.'

"My little Johnny stays with his dad at weekends."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

Love is when you watch television together.

Teddy queuing for the Bathroom

Girl to girl: 'A friend is someone you don't have to call dibs with.'

'You put it down for five seconds. I get it now.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'Oh, you nasty sluggard!'

Lane restricted to cars with three or more persons at least one of whom is a woman or visible minority.

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'I always thought Facebook was the perfect roommate...Until the rent came due.'

"You be the Boogey man tonight!"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

Just a month into their divorce, Joyce began to sense that she and Ron were subtly competing for their kids' affection.

'Ask your other father.'

'Mom calls this a diary where you write private thoughts no one else can see. What fun is that?'

"These are payments for babysitters, but it's more exciting to pretend I'm a drug dealer."

"I did share! I gave Dougie all my melted candy."

"Mommy want you to have everything she had when she was growing up."

"Shall we go talk with those au pairs?"

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced...

Drive Time On Air - 'Are there any drivers out there?'

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

'Now that we're married, I thought I should be less selfish. Here, take the TV remote while I get a snack.'

"Ooooh, she's tall! Good! Come in! I'll put away the flame thrower."

'My father and mother never argue. My father doesn't live here.'

'I have custody of him on the weekends.'