Shared Custody Pillows

'Kid with suitcase with stickers on it that say 'mums' and 'dads'.

'It's something to wear when you're out with your Dad.'

"My little Johnny stays with his dad at weekends."

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

Love is when you watch television together.

Teddy queuing for the Bathroom

Girl to girl: 'A friend is someone you don't have to call dibs with.'

'You put it down for five seconds. I get it now.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

'Oh, you nasty sluggard!'

Lane restricted to cars with three or more persons at least one of whom is a woman or visible minority.

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"You be the Boogey man tonight!"

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

'Ask your other father.'

Drive Time On Air - 'Are there any drivers out there?'

'Mom calls this a diary where you write private thoughts no one else can see. What fun is that?'

"Mommy want you to have everything she had when she was growing up."

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"These are payments for babysitters, but it's more exciting to pretend I'm a drug dealer."

"I've been thinking about what you said about three living as cheaply as two"

"Shall we go talk with those au pairs?"

"I did share! I gave Dougie all my melted candy."

Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced...

'Now that we're married, I thought I should be less selfish. Here, take the TV remote while I get a snack.'

"Mark is my partner in quality parenting."

"Gee, I'd love to, but that's the weekend my father gets me."

'My father and mother never argue. My father doesn't live here.'

'I have custody of him on the weekends.'

"And FYI, Iggy has night terrors."