Joint Custody Arrangement Gifts

Modern relationships on mailboxes.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

"After two years of dating, we decided it was finally time to move in together."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

'We here at the law office of Able, Bennet, Casson, Daniels, Effinger & Fuqua are really looking for a ‘G'.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

"Attention, everyone! Here comes Poppa, and we're going to drive dull care away! It's quips and cranks and wanton wiles, nods and becks and wreathed smiles."

I think my girlfriend is moving in.

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

90% of annoying habits are discovered after you start living together.

'I'm so relieved Doc: It would have been a tragedy if he had had a peanut allergy...'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"You go right on snoring, doesn’t bother me one bit. Your snores are beautiful, do you know that? I love snoring…not like some people."

'Look, either tell me your name or the marriage is off.'

'Ask your other father.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

'Since they divorced I'm living with my mom, but every other weekend my dad is entitled to take me for a walk.'

"So it comes down to this. Two people, but only one opening for a junior partner. Well Jenson? How are you going to compete with piggy-back rides?"

"Can I move in with you?"

Be honest with your children about why you're getting divorced...

"It's god's little get-back.... She had special haloes made for those who never put down the toilet seat."

'Mark, I think we need to discuss the nature of our relationship.'

The Latter Day Wisdom of Solomon

'A cow is called 'productive livestock' because it gives milk. Parents are productive livestock, too, because they give pocket money.'

"Gee, I'd love to, but that's the weekend my father gets me."

'My father and mother never argue. My father doesn't live here.'

'I have custody of him on the weekends.'

"Oh, no! How are we going to divide this space by seven?"

'It's for when my Dad gets supervised access.'

"As a matter of fact, yes. I do object to you moving in with my daughter... My daughter lives here!"